This is a post I am scared to write, but as you can see I have managed to do so. If you are gonna read this do so with a lot of attention of what all things I am writing down.
Why is it scary? It is because, when I write about something, when I describe something, and write it down and share it, it becomes something. It becomes something, meaning, it is proof of that thought process.
Now this comes with a lot of baggage. Firstly the question of how much truth it has in it is a hindrance. Truth is: "what is". And you in your own words can say only that much about truth, as much you have perceived about it. As I am not enlightened yet I know that my perception is possibly flawed, that means that it is not the complete truth. Whatever is not truth is a False, and hence it is a lie.
I love a lot of things in loops, never-ending loops, loops on different levels generating the similar conditions on each level. Basically I love recursion. And due to this, I have loads of thought processes which don't end. It is a game my mind and I keep playing, describing a thing in terms of another and then back in terms of the first one. This causes infinite amounts of connected thoughts to keep swirling in my mind, which tires me and makes me go to sleep. On a day, on which I am not particularly attending to urgent stuff I simply go off to sleep due to this reason.
The stack containing calls of the knowledge 'pages' I have referred to in the recursive definition of some other knowledge; overflows, causing my mind to burst. And making people think that I need to go to an asylum soon. But here in Meditation comes to the aid.
I'd give you one example, easier one, so that you can follow: I imposed a lot of discipline over myself lately. But one should not impose anything over themselves, it is a form of violence. Having restrictions doesn't work, so i hear by restrict myself to impose restrictions, but this is again a restriction. So I then would try to let go of the whole thought process, but this thought of let going a thought process is again a thought, and I'd have to let go of this too, But how should I decide...... Get the feel !
Earlier in the article I used the words 'write it down and share it' : There is also a lot of stuff that I write down but never share, because it should not be, due its contents. It is a type of LET GO. And then I leave it to Guruji to fix all that stuff.
I also used the words ' it is a proof of that thought process' :
You know sometimes I do have pretty disturbing thoughts, but as I learnt to meditate, I learnt to let go of such thought processes, they stopped disturbing me so much, and even if they came I'd know what to do, I'd know that it is just a "thought". Thoughts are a dime a dozen, a dime a million rather and the weight of a thought is only as much attention you give to it. Giving it positive value, thinking more in that direction or resisting it, either way amounts to attention.
So I'd close my eyes and for a few minutes meditate, for a few minutes observe. Observe the sensations in the body and observe the flow of mind, and it would all subside.
But this didn't change the fact that I had some pretty bad thoughts and I used to identify myself with them, so I used to fear them, because due to them I did not like myself. Most people say that 'Everyone has skeletons in their closet', for me it was more like a graveyard, of things I'd not wanna tell anyone about.
I was not able to accept myself as it is, and for me it was so far-fetched that some other person would actually be able to accept me once they would know who 'I am'.
Acceptance by others, was the turning point, I'd say. It is what pushed me into Art of Living. It was how I "Stumbled into my own Infinity".
People here are better than friends, from the first moment on they cared like family. When you are with them, you do not have to worry, they'd take care of you. I have innumerable number of such instances. They understand you so well, whatever you have to say or even whatever you leave unsaid. They get you and even if they don't; they wish for you to grow and find your own answers. They are comfortable with you, and so you have no reason left not to be comfortable with yourself and with them.
To them I could recount each event and I know they wouldn't judge. They would not see you with disgust or with pity. Why I mention these two emotions is that these are the only two emotions I think would come to another person when you'd tell them your deepest darkest secrets.
They would be compassionate and urge you to move forward. And the best part about it all is they are all there for you.
Another thing that scares me is what if I am not able to follow what I preach, or what if my own perception about a thing changes. That just freaks me out. I do write only about what I've experienced, what I have felt deeply sometime, but what if some other time, I do not follow that myself. What then!
I have grown up in a home where, "Anything you say or do can be used against you". This always keeps you on your toes and doesn't let you make many mistakes, it is a good thing, but also tiring. You expect home to be a place where you can rest, where you do not have to worry about the consequences. But my place somewhat resembles like a "court of Law", in the "Big Boss house" (everyone is watching), wherein we all play "Last Man Standing".
At my home we all have the 'Haryanvi zeal' to speak and to take a dig at each other combined with the pure intellect of engineers, a doctor and a teacher to support our words. It is like you are your own team at all time, and you are perpetually in this war of words to make the other person think more of you.
Don't worry we are nice to other people who come to our home, and you are welcome anytime.
So I always worry, what if some time some one will blow this all up in my face. And I sincerely, wish to let go of this fear too. Hence I shared.
I hope you are still with me, and give me freedom to express more.
Love and Hope
Manik
Jai Gurudeva!
